Crumbs

This blog is inspired by a post my friend put on her Facebook page. I won't say who it is but I will quote her. "I DESERVE...", if you look at the two words over and over again it really makes you think. What do I DESERVE? Of course everyone in their mind has their perfect answer, but to see the comments left on her post, it all makes sense. My friend who wrote that post deserves everything in this world that is wonderful. She deserves everything that she dreams of, works hard for and desires, why shouldn't she? Shouldn't everyone get what they deserve? Or should people settle with crumbs? I think everyone knows what I am talking about, crumbs, left overs, less than the best, the bottom of the barrel.

I recently without many people knowing pursued a guy who in actuality had nothing to offer me that was genuine. He wasn't willing to think of someones feeling other than himself, monopolized our conversations and wasn't willing to give, but was a willing taker. Being blinded by the physical, trying to compromise on what my needs and desires are, I forgot about what I truly deserved. When I finally got my head out of the clouds I realized, I don't deserve someone degrading me and talking down to me like I am less of a person or not respecting what I have to say or decisions that I make. I don't deserve someone that talks about themselves all the time and doesn't take the time out to realize that I am a wonderful person inside and out. DO I DESERVE THAT! Nope and neither does anyone else. Those are crumbs. I deserve someone who will listen to me without interrupting and someone who asks "what can I do for you?" So my beautiful friend with such a big heart and positive spirit, I send this out to you and all the woman who have so much to offer and share, don't settle for crumbs because you deserve nothing less than the world.

Winds of Change

If you've read the book or seen the movie "The Secret", you might have heard the phrase "Laws of Attraction." Laws of Attraction may be interpreted in many ways due to an individuals perception. I actually use that phrase to help empower my friends and myself to change the course of our vision on life or the moment. My perception of the Laws of Attraction is that sub consciously we send off emotions that are negative or that don't correlate with what we are showing; sometimes though we may appear happy or content inside, we are not. The Secrets theory on "The Laws of Attraction" is what signals you send out in good conscience, are what you want to come to you. For example, losing a job, although very devastating for one person may be a blessing for another person. The loss of ones job now allows them to focus on another career path they might not have seen if they stayed at their former job. That is just the beginning, you have to believe mental and physically in what you want. By putting out positive energy in the way you react with people and purging the negative that might have surrounded you and your course, you send out signals. Signals that will influence other likes and desires like your own. If you want a particular job and you know that you are qualified and the right person for that job, be the job. Eat, Sleep and Dream that job; send out those positive mind, body and soul images to the world and show your dedication to what you truly want and deserve. You have to remain strong, positive and focused on your life goals and don't except anything less. If something crosses your path and it is not what you envision as a mainstay, get rid of it, because it might alter you L.O.A. toward a negative, less fulfilling and more challenging path. If you want the ball you have to be the ball! We as people were not created to be unhappy or without; we are given these obstacles in life to show ourselves that with love, hard work, mental and emotional strength we can change our course in life.

To Give than to Receive

It's the age old question, is it better to give than to receive? Well I believe it is a matter of perception, actually that's not true. I firmly believe that it is better to give than to receive.

There are people in this world that are constantly giving, whether it be tangible items, services, or emotions. These people give, give, give and don't request anything in exchange. They basically give for self fulfillment. I watched a YouTube video on a guy who traveled around the world giving hugs for free. He would stand in the streets with a cardboard sign that said "Free Hugs". As you would think, some people gave him the stink eye, some people passed him by and some people actually stopped and accepted his free hug. Now is it so hard to accept a free hug from someone so giving? What about people that would give you water if you are thirsty, come fill your gas tank if it's empty, call you and ask you out to a movie and they pay.

Those are givers that are satisfied just by doing something out of their hearts for someone else.

On the other hand, there are the takers. People who ask, take, demand and want without any desire to return the favor. Those people take advantage of the givers and are very selfish. The receivers that take advantage of givers sometimes don't realize they are doing it, so my co-worker told me. Do these people think they are entitled?

However the act of giving is such a strong gesture and should be received with a kind heart and a show of gratitude, something so simple as a thank you or a return of the favor. If you return the favor, make sure it is a sign from your heart;because when the giver is making an offer to you, you can bet it is from their heart. So ask yourself, better yet, monitor yourself and see if you give more than you receive. I believe that everyday, at least once a day everyone should do one selfless act. If you see someone that dropped something pick it up for them, if someone asks you for directions, instead of point, show them; if someone just needs a hug, hug them and if someone looks like they are down, tell them something to make them smile. Lead by example and be a giver!

The Girl at the Bar

When a girl walks into a bar, be it a sports bar, lounge etc and sits by herself;what do guys think? My intentions when I go into a bar is to either get out of the house, watch a sports game or to just drink in a public place and maybe have some good conversation if someone will talk to me. But what do guys think when they see a female sitting alone at the bar? As for yesterdays research piece I was to get all dolled up, make-up, brown sugar body splash, heels, tight jeans and my free drink shirt. I'll explain, I have this shirt I bought for my trip to German and Africa a year ago and the shirt reminds me of the blouse that women in Germany wear under their Lederhosen . Well since the purchase of this said shirt, ninety-nine percent of the time I wore it I got free drinks. Insert laugh now! So for my research piece about my free drink shirt, I hit up one of the most male gathered bars in Honolulu during Happy Hour, Mai Tais. I strolled up to the entrance with my cell in my hand, casing the seats at the bar as I got closer. Once I was in, I sat at the bar with my back facing the door(which I rarely do) and separated myself by one empty bar stool on each side. On each side of me where two separate groups of men. I ordered my first drink which happens to be the only drink I paid for and played on my cell phone for about 10 minutes. During my cell play I would casually look up at the tv, take big gulps of my beer and look around for my female competition basically see if any guys were looking. So after about 15 minutes no bites so I put down my cell and focused on my surroundings and the tv when the guy closest to me on my left gets off his bar stoo,l comes over to me and says " is that all your going to drink? Give this girl a pitcher" he says to the server then looks back at me and asked" Do you like Heineken?"

I answered yes and smiled really big because I just realized that once again my shirt got me a free drink, well a free pitcher! I thanked the guy, the server gave me my pitcher, I had her snap a photo of me and my pitcher for the article and there I sat. So after the pitcher guy left, a group of guys sat in his spot to the left of me and a solo guy occupied the stool to my right. It was not until my calamari came did the solo guy to my right speak to me, about 8 minutes after he sat. He inquired about my food and then our conversation moved to football and other sports. Lets interject some history here. I use to go to bars by myself along time ago and get pissed off, raging mad if a guy talked to me. Whether I was reading a book, listen to music on a headset or staring into space it was still unwanted conversation. Now that I am no longer a BITCH, I look forward to the conversations at the bar, well because guys think it's cool I watch a lot of sports and know stats and team quarterbacks names and stuff. So as I engaged in "sports talk" innocently with this guy, he starts saying " that's cute". What? Yep, he thinks that me talking sports is cute. Then it skips to me talking about how bizarre my roomie's dog looks when she pees, yes I actually demonstrated at the bar how the dog urinates. I did it classy though and he laughed and said" I like you." Whoa stop the bus now, if I wasn't doing this article I would have excused my Heineken saturated ass off the bar stool and sauntered to my car. So I thought to myself, ok slugger, he offered to buy you a beer now and I want to see how this goes, for "research sake". So I told him I was ready for my "last beer" and then I got the dreaded question, he said "I got invited to this "thing " tomorrow, do you want go?" Pause for reaction. In my head I was actually thinking about this guy that I like and really hoping bar stool guy didn't think I liked him just because I was cracking jokes and excepted his beer offering. How does he know I wasn't married or had a boyfriend? Why does it happen this way, now how do I buck this rider off? So I giggled and gazed at the tv as if it was super interesting and did not respond. I chugged my beer and yes I chugged it and motioned for my $8 tab, which gave him momentum to get his check and chug his beer too. As I get up from my bar stool so does he, he said I am leaving so I'll walk you. Why didn't I tell him I flew there on my broom and I valet parked it on the roof, SHIT! So I took the walk of shame toward the bars exit, not to my car with a guy that just asked me out in a bar. Ugh! I give him props for having the courage to ask me out because I know that asking a girl out, sometimes is hard to do. Readers let me tell you, I felt bad, but not real bad,I wasn't interested . Also I don't think that just because a girl sitting alone in a bar, she wants to be asked out. Sometimes we are there because we like to watch sports or just plain hang out. I don't get how it goes from a casual conversation to a "date" opportunity. I guess it doesn't hurt to try cause you just might get a yes.

Window Images

As I look through my bedroom window that faces the ocean there is so much that I see. Although my view is obstructed by a screen which cuts my view into a trillion squares boxes which remind me of puzzle pieces. What if this view where constructed into a trillion puzzles pieces? When I put it together correctly,would I still get this amazing view? What about the sounds that I hear and the smells? Since I have moved to Honolulu, every morning I wake up to the sunlight and the noise of the city. I stand up and place each elbow on opposite sides of my candles on the ledge because in the middle of my elbows lies my 2 white candles in clear glass votive holders, and my 3 small Buddhas.

Let me explain my Buddhas, I got all three from my trips to Asia, 2 Buddhas in Thailand while visiting temples and 1 in China. Through the course of my ownership they all have visible injuries from being dropped. One Buddha is missing a hand, One Buddha's head came off, but has been scotched taped backon and the last Buddha's hand was broken off. All three injuries resulted in me crying thinking that my faith and love for my Buddhas was going to be taken away because it appeared I didn't care for them. Well my faith in them and their love for me was not taken away.

Along the side of the screen where I view the beautiful city of Honolulu is my Indian Dream Catcher. I have had my dream catcher so long that I can't remember where I got it, all I know is that I believe in it so much that it was the last item on my studio wall to be taken down when I moved.

So as I look out my window I notice across the street where most of the noise other than the cars, comes from. There is a blue two-story house with a ocean blue roof and a path that leads down the right side of it. The house reminds me of the houses in Astoria Queens, New York where Eastern European ladies would sit on the stoop and gossip, share recipes or give you stink eye while you were walking by. The noise coming from the tenants of the house which I think maybe 10 people live in the whole dwelling, combined with the jack hammering of construction, the whizzing of scooters, honking cars, babies crying, emergency vehicles and helicopters landing on top of the near by Queens Medical could be the compared with the streets of Bedford Stuyvesant in New York. I look at all the buildings that are south of my apartment and try to name them, so far I don't have much luck besides Queens Medical Center. Oh and a gorgeous tall building with blue windows the color of the ocean, the blue part closest to the shore. Maybe I will take longer walks in the middle of town and find out their names and what they are about so that down the road as I gaze out my window I can identify them.

To see what's happening in the city daily is intriguing, the guys from Waste Management maneuvering the dumpster down the street with such skill that it looks like chess moves, up this street down, this street and back into it's original spot. People walking their dogs, woman power walking and a man running up the hill. The smell of, well my renuitz air freshener sitting on the window sill at the time. Besides the air fresher, the smell is crisp and fresh. From my window I can look down and to the left and see a plumeria tree that has a nice big shady spot at the base where I sit in the afternoons while Sophie, my roommate's dog, walks around sniffing the air. I can see the ocean that appears far but when you stare at it as long as I do, it seems so close like my toes are on the edge and I can feel the temperature of the water. I see the airplanes in the air once they take off and also some that are landing. My view from my bedroom window is so amazing, it feels like I am dreaming or that I am awake in a dream.

Patience

Patience by definition means a steady calm. Do I find myself a patient person? I would have to say within the last 2 years yes, but prior to that no. I wanted what I wanted now and didn't care what sacrifice was made for it to happen that way. Now, Now, Now. I can't pinpoint why I am more patient now and what triggered the change, maybe maturity in age maybe unmet expectations of what was obtained so quickly or maybe the thrill of waiting. All I can say is that what tends to transpire after you have waited at least for me, is so rewarding. I realize that waiting patiently the expectations have diminished during the actual waiting process, leaving me with the sense of openness of what is to come. Also it leads to unexpected surprises, things and actions that you might have not predicted the outcome to. If you are a person that likes to control the outcome and/or doesn't like surprises than you may not be a very patient person and that is fine. As for me, conditioning myself to be more patient in my actions and expectations has made me appreciate what I receive, when I eventually receive it, with a lot more gratitude.

Who I am

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Ambrose Redmoon

Finding who we are deep inside can take time, self awareness, an open mind and open heart. Expressing it and showing to the world takes a lot of courage. Do you show the world the true you? If you don't, why? Have we been programmed to fear criticism or welcome the false as oppose to the truth? I find that some people feel more safe in themselves lying to someone than being honest. If you are comfortable in your own skin, does it matter what someone says to you or how they judge you? I believe that strength in ones self is part of the foundation of our being. People who are negative within themselves will judge others with that same tongue and mind. Are they happy? I wouldn't think so. So do I continue on my path to life and maneuver around them life orange cones? Or do I approach them and find out if they need my assistance in finding a positive path for them to navigate. Help them look inside themselves to find the strong, confident being that was created to progress in life with hope and faith. Being courageous has to come from within, it can't be bought. However we can help teach and guide someone to be more courageous by being positive and show respect for each other.

The person I am today was built on determination to over look the negative that people said to me and about me. I let my haters be my motivators, because I don't deserve a negative spirit. We all need to look inside of us daily to confirm our strengths and appreciate all that we have accomplished in our inner beings. Also motivate ourselves for new goals and peaks to climb and conquer; lastly look around us at those who may need our guidance, love and help them. Lets not be selfish, use your strength to empower one another to live a full life of happiness and joy.

The House of the Greatest Love Stories

Yesterday someone close to me ended a 1 year relationship that left them confused and torn. Although in their mind it was a long time coming they still felt unsure of the decision when it was actually parted. As we discussed the events of the break-up and I listened to the back and forth battle of insecurities and blame I felt inspired to share what I have learned in the year and a half. As I let my friend finish her story, I thought wow, I use to be in their shoes and it was difficult for me to get through. I first listened to my friend, letting what they had to express all come out and then explained that I felt really sorry that they had to go through it. After that we went through a series of self reflecting exercises that consist of writing it all down on paper and weighing the pros and cons. I could tell that the writing it down on paper and reading it back was concrete for them and helped my friend realize what happened, what were happy times, sad times and future goals. That brings me to my point.

What the heck is up with love? By Webster's Dictionary it is "emotion of affection,[to] be devoted to."

Humm, that seems easy, but why is it so difficult? Is it more challenging to receive it than to give it or vice versa? I can't answer any of it, because I am one of the ones that has a challenging time with it. So what credit do I have offering my little advice to help my friend, just because I read a bunch of books about relationships and self- reflecting? Because I sit in the libraries that house the greatest love stories thumbing through the books, reading and smelling their smells in hopes of absorbing the knowledge in them. Hello, still single! Those books did not state that I were to be attached at the hip with my "soul mate" either. The relationship books were merely an authors guide to taking baby step back into finding yourself and what you want out of love life and the pursuit of happiness. I have had suggestions from various people ie. family, friends, strangers and books about how to find love and deal with break-ups. Some examples of advice were to shower with rock salt and honey then light candles and incense to putting myself in the middle of a busy intersection and see if my "Prince Charming" comes and saves me. What if there is a skyscraper type building somewhere where you walk in grumpy and down, feeling loveless and they put you on an assembly line. The assembly line cleanses you, morphs your brain, dresses you in a spiffy outfit and then throws you off the top of the building. Question is, do you land on a pile of the most sweet smelling fluffy pillows, bounce back up giggling with love or do you land face first onto gravel and nails to show, nah your not love worthy and will remain single? " Will I be single the rest of my life?" That was my friends question to me. All I could say was no, of course not, but then look at me.

Me I am the person that at times could be the hardest nut to crack in a relationship, I tend to put up a wall stronger than Fort Knox when someone shows interest in me. Or when I get into a relationship, I give so much that I get taken for granted, "strung along" or discarded. This brings up a flashback of my friend coming over to my house and finding me drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels, seated Indian Style on my apartment floor at seven in the morning. So what do you do with an emotion that by definition is so easy to have, do and be? Do you hoard it like food for the winter, or do you let it freely flow like autumn leaves falling from the trees in Central Park? Do you whip it into the wind like a boomerang knowing that by design it is destine to come back? What is so intimidating about the word and why don't people express it or say it more?Maybe it's said enough and some of us have selective hearing.

That reminds me when Carrie Bradshaw was reading Love Stories of Great Men which is a collection of love stories written by men such as Voltaire, Beethoven and Napolean in the movie Sex and the City. Carrie asks her fiance Big, " Have you ever sent me a love letter? and Big replies, "Does a love fax count? Then Carrie says, "When have you ever sent me a love fax? "

Exactly, how much love do you express and when? I'm not asking for a date and time, just a rhyme and reason. Love is something that you should leap into, wholeheartedly. Which seams like a funny suggestion coming from someone still single. I guess I just believe that we weren't put on this earth to carry out our path in solidarity. I mean who walks around and thinks that they don't want to be loved by someone or content with being alone for their lifetime? There might be. Well I believe that my friend has now cleared a bigger space in their heart for the right person to come along and fill it. I send good luck out to all that found love, are looking for love and who are wanting love. Aloha

Chasing Pavements

I love the Adele song "Chasing Pavements", basically it's an internal battle of the theory of "Fight or Flight". We are all user of this internal theory, at least I think so. Although I am a girl that has been known to hunker down and ride a wave completely out, which is hilarious because I haven't stuck one toe on a surfboard in my life. But I usually don't give up easily, which brings me to my dilemma. I am at a crossroads where I feel like I want to pass on something instead of having a little more patience for fear of being "strung" along. In that same thought I really think it is worth the wait, but do I wait? I am not in a hurry per se, but the interest seems fading. Ahh, the devil and the angel on my shoulders speaking to me in code or maybe that is my subconscious that says"go Sabrina, why wait?" Ugh!! What to do? For now I'll put it on the back burner and write about yesterday.

So yesterday I woke up with such energy and rubbed my 3 little Buddhas and looked out my window at the ocean for awhile as to center my thoughts and mind. I love just sitting in silence before I start working or even preparing for the days events. I tend to be less frazzled and more organized when I collect my thoughts prior to getting out of bed. For the last few nights my roomie and I have been watching YouTube videos and laughing so hard before we go to bed that when I wake up to use the restroom in the middle of the night I catch myself in a chuckle because I wonder if she will prank me. Well last night we definitely decided that if we pranked each other it could not be a "buttered floor" which is one of our top videos to date. So last night after an awesome HPRD bout in Hawaii Kai, we invited over one of her paddling friends to have beers in the Hale and subject her to our nightly ritual of YouTube videos. Trust me, we laughed until we cried.

I am feeling kind of fuzzy today and I don't care for it. I think it is this indecisiveness of current situations that makes me want to be selfish. I mean why shouldn't I, lots of people do it and it is situational. I think I should weigh my options in the next month or so and then go from there. Yeah, maybe give myself a goal for this "situation", maybe write a list of pros and cons and see what shakes out. I so wish my Buddhas could speak. Well they can't, but I can.

Aloha Honolulu!

As I start this fresh new blog from my desk in my new room in my new apartment which I share with a roommate, I try to figure where to take this topic. Lots of choices come to mind, from blogging about returning to city life, start blogging about my eating adventures, being single in the big city and dating experiences or keep on with the intense Bill O' Reilly type BS that I was yapping about before. I have made a decision I am going to Blog about all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly! With respect to the people that I encounter and those I already know, I will spare all of you readers the names of such characters because at the end of the day, I couldn't sleep if I exposed too much. Plus I want to keep you guessing and intrigued about my next blog. So keep in mind from now on these blogs will be from Honolulu on. I hope you enjoy them and laugh when it's funny and cry with me if I am crying. WTH? I don't plan on shedding a tear for awhile, because there is too much living to do.

Since I have relocated to Honolulu Hawaii from the neighboring island of Kauai, I have been settling into the busy city life of an island that has approximately 900,000 residents. Most transient due to high living cost, military arrangements, college and maybe homesickness. But me, I am adaptable I have lived quite a few places and traveled lots, so this was no culture shock to me. I have told my friends that have never witnessed Oahu that it's similar to Miami, where I use to live at one point. Oahu has the beautiful clear blue water with tons of aquatic life, it has some country parts and then it tops off it's glory with the hustle and bustle of the city including the most famous Waikiki Area and Beaches. The draw to me is that I can go to work in slacks and heels or a chef's coat, change and lay on the beach to either get a Pau Hana tan or watch the sunset.

I am sad to inform you at the time that besides Soul de Cuba, my dining experiences have not been good. It might be in part to my being so busy in moving mode and trying to juggle between job interviews, getting my stuff put up in the hale and getting to know my roommate. So I am not throwing in the towel yet, no way. I have cooked one meal so far and have product for 2 more in the icebox if that tells you about what I have been consuming. However starting next week opportunites of the food part of my life will arise. So I'll skip to the dating part, as I bite the side of my lip I think carefully about what to say.

Well I am interested in someone and I believe that we are in the "talking" and "patiently" getting to know each other. I have no expectations to speak of and of course don't know where it might go, if anywhere. But who does? So for now I am enjoying the time that I spend with him and look forward to getting to know him better. On the other side of that, hmmm. I think I will skip that now and move on to something else.

I left my solo living situation for a roomie situation in the big city for a few reasons. I was growing anti-social, Oahu can be very expensive in specific housing for a single person and I can meet new people. I also chose a roommate situation to save money to buy a house, hopefully next 2-3 years. If anybody is wondering I forecast buying a house here, but than again who can predict what might happen. My roommate is great, she is funny and treats me like Ohana. It's only been five days and I didn't get my hand slapped when I ate off her plate. We share food, we have beers and share You Tube videos and chat till we can't keep our eyes open. She has a dog, a Chinese Crested, which is so cute. I get to walk her daily even though I don't have much experience with dogs but hey, so far she has been a "hot guy" magnet for me. So her walk and my talk makes it a fun adventure.

Well it's Friday night and I am not sure what I might do. Tomorrow my roommate has a roller derby bout that I will go to after she and I go to the beach. It will be the first time going to the beach since I moved here. Yeah I know, surprised it took me this long? I'm not, I had to get all this stuff put away. Well I am tired from a long day and very hungry now so I will bid you Aloha, until next blog!